“By our thirteenth year of marriage,” she explains, “we had finally learned to shorten our arguments by apologizing not in our own languages but in the primary language of the other person.” Meanwhile the high value she placed on emotions meant she needed to hear him express regret. Through this research, Jennifer Thomas discovered her husband’s rational mind required her to accept responsibility. Just like some people’s response to the idea of five love languages, there are those who may find there’s more than one apology language they resonate with, but we can often tell which is our primary language when we say, “I know they said they apologized, but I just wish they would _.” Similar to his research around the five love languages (words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch), they discovered there are five distinct ways people apologize: “The supposed apology was not having the desired effect of forgiveness and reconciliation,” Chapman writes in their book When Sorry Isn’t Enough. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas were observing couples misunderstand each other’s apologies. In each of their counselling offices, Drs.

If you’ve ever had a situation with your spouse where they’ve said they apologized, but you don’t think they did, you may be speaking two different languages of apology. If someone wrongs you and says, “I’m sorry,” do you believe them? Or do you need them to say and do more to show the sincerity of their apology?

When Sorry Isn't Enough by Gary Chapman